Caught In The Act.

Yesterday was one of  those crazy days. If a seer had revealed yesterday's incident before hand,  I'd have gone all "tufiakwa /olorunmaje in my head"  thinking this one dey profess bad thing.  What would have happened if he came into my room too?  Hol up! Hol up!  Let's not imagine cos I don't even wanna imagine.  Chai!
So I and my friend left the room past 9 for CDS(as usual).  We got back to the lodge tired and all..... Just before I go further(there are 3 rooms in the boys quarter Lodge for corpers.  My neighbour stays in the first room,  middle room is empty while I live in the 3rd room*you Gerrit? *.  
Just assume you're watching a seasonal movie briefed into a blog post (you need to see how I've created a joke out of it cos I knew Daniel and I'd have to explain to countless people..... Maybe he should jes record the incident on a tape,  play to whoever wanna listen, then at the end of every season.... (pause the recording) ...just to make my audience anxious..... (then they request for season two),  I do a hit intro by dancing (end season 2) (pause the recording)  Then they request for season 3....and I do a final dance..choi)

(Season 1)
My friend sat down opposite the first room while I searched for my key (I'm very nonchalant when it comes to Lil things.... Forgot my keyholder + bunch of keys in lagos,  alarooro wouldn't allow me buy another keyholder just for one key.  And yes!  I'm used to being carefree with my door,  would leave for the market without locking it.... Distance to the market Is like yaba to yaba tech /unilag Junction or let's say ikeja underbridge to Allen roundabout. ).  Brought out my phones,  note pad ,  everything in my bag cos I was looking for a key o(those things that can't talk) .  Saw my office key in the bag,  I assumed it should unlock the padlock since it's the same brand(I did it during undergrad days wella) .
Went to my door,  my office key didn't unlock it and then I dipped my hand into the back pocket of my khaki only to find the key there(that thing can pain ehn). 
Unlocked the padlock and went back to arrange all what I had removed from my bag.  (remember that my friend was still sitting opposite the  first room o and yes!  We were gisting while I was searching for the key and all).  While arranging the stuffs back into my bag ,  my neighbour came (dude never comes back early after cds is over). 
(Season 2)
I wasn't so surprised anyways(change is a constant thing) , after the exchanging of pleasantries,  he went to the door and noticed the padlock wasn't there.
Dude: I no lock my room door?.  E be like sey I lock am now
Me: why you go lock am when you no get money inside (I've got a smart assed mouth)
Dude: ( opens door,*sees a strange guy*)  just stay there (shuts his door within a second,  but wait?.  How dyu expect a thief to still stay there when he's caught.... Den dey bargain with thief?)
As a sharp girl who was behind my neighbour,  I tried to fix the padlock of my room into his door shutter so we could lock the thief inside.  The next thing we saw was a door pushed with force coming towards our faces(we didn't so end locking the thief ) .  Tried to hit my padlock on his head while he ran away but it missed his head cos he was too fast. 
Before I could say (jaaaa(holup) I haven't  said JACK yet).  Dude was chasing the thief....
That's how the Olympic games began as If we were on a competition with naija top runner,  shit!  I ran...... I'm the least person who can run to save her life but mhen!  I knew I raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan (did the number of a's quantify how I ran? ) ......
The Thief led us to his waterloo by leading us to the main road..... Luckily for us,  a van was parked(guess the occupants in the van were waiting for someone...... Perhaps us! ).  Trust us,  we shouted thief!  Ole!!  (I think we forgot to shout barawo(thief in hausa) )..... 
The guys who were in the van heard us and weree at alert waiting for the thief to come close by(see action film) .....  The Thief ran into the bush and then It's high time I took a pause . ...... I stopped running cos I was sure he's gon be caught..... I had to rush back to my room to lock it cos I hate missing serious scenes in seasonal movies(I don't like to be told..... I want to see it happen) .....(end of Season 2)

(Season 3)
Got back to the road and saw his face a bit soaked in his own blood.  I see pictures of this on social media and  blogs but I saw this one live without wasting MB(lol). 
My friend went to the police station and came back.... Twas then I knew the Nigerian Police force needed to up their game.  They came without handcuffs(where do you we find a cop arresting without handcuffs?  Only in Nigeria. obviously they had no handcuffs). I don't think he was arrested..... Yes!  Cos he looked tie-rrested (chill!  You'd under that phrase: tie-rrested ) . Oh!  I forgot to tell y'all that they came with a bike,  commercial bike o and told my friend to pay,  a corper to pay from his 19k650 allowee that's almost finished...... 
The police officer used the thief's trouser to tie his hands and he was taken to the police station(you get the tie-rrested drift)..... I followed them o(i still don't like to be told ),  I must see the end of this seasonal movie, between that's the first time I'd ever enter a station tsha, thus,  the adrenaline in my curiosity increased. 
My stay at the station made me see so many things that got me pissed about women (that should be another  blog post.....  But I really must say this.... Ladies pls y'all need to step up ya game.....  Don't watch yourself date a useless guy let alone marry him...... I can't even deal with a cheat let alone a useless man.  NBA!  Marriage is for better for worse..... A criminal is forever a criminal.  It can't be erased from the record)
So as I was saying before the "mantalk" interrupted my gist...... I'm glad for so many things
I was glad searching for my key delayed us from entering my room else the thief woulda either escaped or come to my room and make a big deal outta us(see free black Thursday without online transaction)
If he had come to my room earlier before my neighbour's own ,  he'd only fume In anger and just decide to package the edikaikon I had left or perhaps get busy sucking out the periwinkle from the shell.  The only thing that'd pain me is that I'd have to arrange my room(cos he turned my friends room upside down) .
If my room was the first target,  he'd have escaped the moment we notice someone is inside cos my windows has got no burglary fixed to it. 

*One thing I learnt is for us to be vigilant, if you pass through your neighbours house and notice his door is open.... Calling out his name just to say hi while walking past wouldn't deduct a cent from your account.  We didn't notice his door had no padlock and we stayed there gisting for  close to 4 minutes. 
*I also believe Yesterday was his destined day to be caught cos my key delayed me out there,  if not he'd have sneaked away and I might be the one to start petting my NYSC boo(LOl)
Worst of all is, the thief was just a hungry one desperately in need of anything.  He packaged my friends power bank,  phone,  hard disc drive,  Jeans,  nice shirts,  boxers o(cos I knew he bought new boxers the day before yesterday,  I'm sure they're part of it.  LoL)  and squeezed them into my friends laptop bag. See packaging?. 

Henceforth,  even if I'm walking just a stone throw..... I gotta lock my door (I hardly lock my door even when I go to the market cos I used to believe my area is safe.... but not again. )

Have you ever caught a thief red-handed?.  Have you ever been robbed?..... I love stories,  pls gist me in the comment box......

PS: (I promised to hit up some blogs last week,  my hands are full...... I'd definitely do that and cover up on those interesting posts  I've missed on your blog. )

Below are awesome photo shoot of the segzy (sexy) thief 

NYSC Orientation Camp Experience : EBONYI State

I wouldn't forgive myself if I don't upload the crazy  experience I had at the NYSC orientation camp,  afikpo North,  Ebonyi state to be precise(LOL). .
My experience at the orientation camp  is just to let you know reality and get you off the fairy tale /liesssssss that "orientation camp is fun ". 
Yes!  Orientation camp could be fun in Lagos,  Ogun,  Oyo ,  Abuja,  I heard of portharcourt and Akwa Ibom(dunno how genuine the info is) . 
If you think same is applied to ebonyi state,  scratch that off your head and get geared up for the opposite part of fun. 
The opposite part of fun woulda been better only if the military men didn't  pour Sandsand in someone's garri. 
I'd give you details on the little research I made before camp, how my 21 days experience during the orientation was and life after campaign .

Research
I was surprised when my friend actually told me I was posted to ebonyi (cos I was busy at work) ......  I totally forgot that place existed,  thank God for the state and capital recitation I did back then in primary school (sure we all recited that.  LoL).  Next thing I did was make findings on the distance from Lagos to ebonyi. 
I was born and bred in lag,  my first trip to the east shouldn't be a terrific one.  I Learnt it's a 9 hour journey to afikpo North,  It's OK for a road trip I thought but that was just one of those lies.  The estimated distance from lagos to ebonyi is 10 -  12 hours (Roger that!).  It all depends on the driver cos mine stopped at almost every T  Junction asking for the right direction.  That day was something else. 
For first timers,  I'd advice you go to the nearest Park and check out for Okeyson (I wasn't paid to do this ).  Trust me,  they have a park close to the NYSC camp and might consider driving  you to the orientation camp if majority of the occupants in the bus are prospective corpers.  Left lagos past 9am, got to ebonyi state some few minutes past 11pm.

Welcome Party
We were so famished and tired to the mouth that as we struggled to drag our luggage,  we totally ignored the military men at their security stand(Did we even see them? ).  That was the biggest mistake ever. The next thing I heard was "hey!  Otondo!,  come back here".  We all did and the first task was for us to sit on the bare ground..... We did that for close to 20 minutes before they allowed us go only with the condition of carrying that heavy luggage on our heads.  Wicked right?.  They got no mercy on bloody civilians like us.  You think there's more to the welcome party?,  the suffering just began dearie.  That was our welcome party.  Our luggage was checked at the security stand and luckily for us,  we got a bed to sleep...... I was more lucky cos 2 course mates of mine (a lady and I ) was posted to same state.  We did everything together. 

DAY 1
Woke up the next day only to realize the room was more like a lecture hall.  It occupied close to 60 corpers with bunks placed side by side.   The registration procedure was stressful..... Please you don't have to make 50 or 20 photocopies,  all that ain't needed. Make close to 7 photocopies each,  your school I'd card, call up letter,  statement of result/certificate are one of the most important documents needed..... Any other necessary document should be detailed on your call up letter.  You'd use not more than 6 passport on camp.  So just make 14 copies.  I made close to 30 copies of passport and I still have them dwelling in my portfolio(not bad though).

PLATOON
After the registration,  I found myself in platoon 1. Was it FUN? .  yes!!!!!!!  Eeeer no oooo! Seriously speaking,  camp woulda been fun  if we were not forced to do everything.  I wished I could fast forward early morning parades..... Shit!  Twas baaad. 

LIGHTS OUT!
We were controlled to the extent that once it's 10pm, the light goes off.  The soldiers would go around the hostel to punish/chase erring corpers.  Twas so bad that they didn't even want to see a blink of light. 

Why?
Trust me when I say ;This ain't the best caption but then,  can those ladies who plaster their face with makeup on camp tell me why they do that?.  I'm not saying you shouldn't makeup (I'm a makeup artist....  Duuuh! ) but doing things that would perhaps damage your face considering the harsh weather you're forced to stay is totally out of it.  You'd see girls wake up to bath at 4am, then from 4 30am to 5am, they're still painting!......  For who?  Because of why now?  Most annoying is when they wake up with eyeshadow looking so excess on their face turning them to a funny monk. 

KITCHEN
I used to be a mammy market customer not until my pocket started dwindling.  Had to make good use of my ticket o but I skipped meals like beans,  yam porridge,  their transparent tea with 1/2 life,  what else?  And yes,  their bread......  Sunday was rice and chicken,  the size of that meat(not chicken)  is enough to remind you that Now Your Suffering Continues (NYSC)  till the next 11 months,  so manage. 

LECTURES
Don't make the mistake of forgetting your face cap Abi na headgear (dey dey call am)  when going for lectures.  That's a 70% guarantee that you'd sleep without disturbance from those men in green multicoloured khaki.  Lecture was boring asides the part where they taught us a song in their language....  Twas fun cos we murdered it in our own way....... All I heard was "who be destroyer?. I no know ",  (I no know was actually meant to be ai lo lo...... Figure out the rest) .....  LOL

BE MONEY CONSCIOUS
Believe me when I say they've got no Atm stand in that camp.  After wasting my time at the car park in Lagos,  I had to withdraw Lil money cos it's not safe travelling with cash around.  The Lil cash I deducted was my saving grace for the first week till the bicycle allowance was given to us.  This is just for all those guys that like spending their money at the beer parlour and on girls.....  You still got a life to live after camp.  I pity you if only you know the kinda life that 1 year stipend, they call allowee would do.

REDEPLOYMENT
If you want to redeploy,  just prepare the necessary documents needed that would serve as a genuine reason why you should be considered (marriage certificate or doctor's report on health grounds ).   Those soldiers ain't  got nothing to offer when it comes to redeployment,  I've heard stories of how dumb some girls were that they had to open their legs for these men on top redeployment matter.  Please wise up and do what's right o, you might be considered.  If you wanna go through agents that would work it for you...... Pinch your skin  and remind yourself that there are still dubious hungry people in naija......  They'd tell you they know someone in Abuja even when   they don't even have a relative based there let alone a friend.....  Wise up!  I lost 10k to this parole and  a friend of mine  dashed out 30k. She was angry but got more angry when the guy didn't pick up.    A boo oro laa nso fomo luabi (a word is enough for the wise)

ALL SHADES OF ........
Don't be surprised when you realize that you'd  be leaving camp with 2 or 3 shades of skin colour.....  If on a norms,  you always have blackhead, expect a darker shade.  That white shorts during the orientation exercise is just a margin line to giving your leg a beautiful darker shade from your real colour.  Thank God for the weave I wore on camp.  My forehead was secured from the shackles of darkness and brighter than my face sef.....  The bae had to buy my soap and serum before I got back home. 

LIFE AFTER ORIENTATION CAMP
Your posting letter would be issued to you on the last day,  and those whose redeployment process worked out successfully will find their names on the list.  I was posted to a school,  visited my PPA,  did the necessary documentations and left the third day.   Accommodation wasn't an issue cos church fellowships turned up to assist us.  If your Ppa has a Lodge,  you might be directed to the lodge. 

So how was your camp experience like?,  was yours fun filled from day 1 till the last day? . Please share with me through  the comment box,  I'm so eager to know. 

P.S

IF you're posted to ebonyi state:

1. Ensure your shorts don't have side pockets.  

2. No but shorts allowed(you wouldn't want to be disgraced in public) 

3. Withdraw some cash that will be enough to sustain you for a short while.  They got no ATM stand. 

4. Get some drugs to deal with cough..... Cough spreads like shii on camp.  I had cough all through my stay. 

5. Be prepared for the hustle.  

Lie Lie Question

Njokwa o my people,  how was your weekend?.  I hope you didn't get to experience "my kind of weekend" (boredom galore). 
No I didn't ignore that word,  I know someone would go all "what does the first word in this post mean (and she didn't even translate it in bracket) ? "..... Well,  jokwa is the general greeting here...... Morning,  afternoon,  night,  midnight sef na jokwa (is jokwa). 
Those of us in the western part of the country  know that you have to get acquainted with  different greetings in relation the time of the day(ekaaro, ekaason, eku role, ekaale ).  Kaprish!.
So,  jokwa is a word that signifies respect in form of greeting. 
This is where the lielie question comes in.  Does any one even have a clue of what lie lie question means?. 
Lie lie question(to me) means asking a question that you already know the answer,  but you just want to ask for question sake. 
(e.g:. You see me cooking and you ask "are you hungry? " .  Why should I cook if I'm not hungry*rollseyes*.
                              OR
You're going to an eatery to buy shawarma and you ask "should I get one for you",  even when you know I wouldn't turn down such request)*sideeye*. 
That's what lielie question means. 
Leggo! There's this aged woman who walks through the front of my room every weekend and when I greet her,  it's either I'm getting ready for church,  brushing my teeth or giving myself the face beat.
There's this day,  I was actually rushing up with my makeup (cos I do it close to the door for me to have a feel of the fresh air),  and then the conversation begins,  let's call her mama

Mama:(sees me from afar)  Nne...... Adanma (smiles)
Me: jokwa ma
Mama: Jokwa (smiles)  Itetewo o
Me:(gives a funny look even though I know what it means )
Mama: (translates Itetewo thinking I don't know what it means ) You don wake?. Itetewo o
Me: ( smiles back) *in my head I ask myself if this kind of question should be answered*

Again,  In my head,  I go all...... Does someone in her sleep,  get brush,  foundation and powder to makeup while sleeping? .
Worst of all is this woman at MY PPA,  you see me well dressed going to sign and you ask me "Itetewo o".
This is one lielie question I can't deal with,  especially from the ebonyians......
What's that lie lie question you've been asked?  What's the best response you've given?.
Please hit the comment box.
I wish you all a stress-free week ahead.  Love you.

Words
*Jokwa :(greeting from the eastern part of the country,  ebonyi state.  It signifies respect)

Itetewo: (are you awake?)

Lielie question: (pidgin word for asking questions that you obviously know the answer)

Ekaaro: (greetings from the western part of the country.... Mostly used in the mornings)

Ekaason: (greetings from the western part of the country..... Mostly used at noon)

Ekuroole : (greetings from the western part of the country..... Sign of respect used in the evening )

Ekaale: (greetings from the western part of the country...... It's a term of respect used at night)